nobody ever knows what will happen in life, unexpectant things come up and sometimes you just have to-accept it. first my friend died, then my dog of 12 years, than my step uncle by a drunk driver on the freeway. . .
death all around me, death and sickness.
I have been diagonsed by two doctors, I have an anxiety disorder that causes panic attacks. it started around april. . .right around the first death, i began to become much more reclusive than ever, not wanting to do anything that had me involved in direct human contact. i didn't know what was wrong but i would begin to get dizzy and have shortness of breath, my heart felt like it wanted to pound out of my chest. i tried to ignore it but every day it got worse and worse, until one day i felt like i was going to die-literally could not breath right. i went to urgent care, thank goodness for insurance and found myself being poked and proded. . .3 vials of blood taken and a new prescription for Xanax for the panic attacks. another visit to the doctor brought me two new prescriptions one for Prozac(which is supposed to cure anxiety disorders) and another for my migrain headaches. at first the Prozac didn't do anything, but then I felt like a zombie. . .nothing could even begin to describe the eerie feelings that medication brought to me. it was as if every side effect that you can get, i got. i felt sick every other day, it did not help me one bit. the doctor had told me to see her in a month to check on my "progress", well its almost a month and i stopped the medication myself and have to make an appointment to see her. it was so horrible i had to call 911 one day, everything had gone black and i couldn't feel my body. this lasted for about 15-20 minutes. when the ambulance came i decided not to go to the hospital, they scare me and i wanted to see if i could be ok at home. . .i must have lost my sanity then because i should have probably gone. a friend was down in my city and i called her, she came to check on me, one of the only friends i have left that i can trust.
friendships lately have become a joke, not that i had many in the first place. i found myself waiting for an old friend the day that i had to call 911, she was supposed to have come to visit me. her phone was off, not even one call to say "sorry i can't make it" ironically, i could have used her company that day more than ever, luckily the other friend was in town. . .
but does it really matter? i can't function around people anyway, no matter how hard i try. i go to work, come home, exercise, read and that's about all i do everyday. . .
right now all that overpowers my mind is trying to figure out how to get better, how i can beat this anxiety.
last night my head felt like it was going to blow up, literally. . . the pain was horrid and it felt like there was hot liquid lava boiling in my brain. i wanted to cry, but i can't cry. . .
i turned off the lights and tried to relax, shortness of breath again, fuck.
in a way i am glad i am back home, my family is all i have right now. . .
my lover is still trying to move over here but life isn't always the way we want it to be. . .and he is trying to find a new job so he can transfer over here. . .
. . .we can only be patient.
school begins in august, i am nervous because i haven't been to school in almost 5 years. i have to finish this time, i have to get into the medical field. . .
the frida kahlo exhibit is in san francisco, i wish i could teleport myself over there rigth now. brought new feather earings and a black stone ring, 4 new books are waiting to be read. . .
"WE" by Eugene Zamiatin which inspired George Orwell's famous "1984" and was written first in Russia.
"Animal Farm" by George Orwell
"The Myth of Sisyphus" by Albert Camus
"The Tenderest Lover" by Walt Whitman
i need to thrift shop soon, looking for boots and exotic metal jewlery. went back to eating no meat, none. . . just the ocassional suchi(sorry fishies), lost 7 pounds and still loosing more, bought a cardio workout dvd set with elastic weights called "boot camp", reading a new book on yoga which features different poses and what they are good for. .., cancelled my membership at the gym-would rather work out at home or join a boxing class, maybe even go to that Yoga stuido.
Tired of being sick. Tired of working a stressful job, saving my money so I can quit for awhile and just go to school and find a less stressful job. . . planning to go to paris in a year, or maybe pairs and italy. we shall see. . .
- Location:deep in thought
- Mood:sick
- Music:"Falling Down" Scarlett Johansson
- Mood:blank
to my dear friend,
i will miss you
always.
you lived life to the fullest
judged no one
made everybody laugh
till their bellies ached
danced at the bar
like noone was watching
smoked furiously,
drank like a sailor
and
most of all
you were
never embarassed to be yourself,
and for that you will be known
and loved
forever.
- Location:earth
- Mood:brokenhearted
Actions speak louder than words.
Local government that should be the beginning and main focus. . .
within our local state government we can assemble what we do not want the federal government to force upon us. I could go on and on about this, but as I stated above "actions speak louder than words" so I am going to do my reasearch, and take that action upon myself. I am a libertarian, but most importantly I am a big believer in freedom-and for what it truly stands for-not this washed up definition that has been placed upon it.
In my own personal life I am blessed,
. . .patience has helped me achieve many things that I am proud of and I know that I will find a way to make my new goals flourish into reality. Over the last year and a half I have grown distant from certain people that I had considered great friends. There was no conflict that led to this outcome, just simply and slowly we stopped speaking to one another. I am no liar when I say that this brings a tinge of sadness into my heart but I am also glad to have departed from these beings because I found a part of myself that I had somehow lost along the way. It was as if everytime the fog started to clear up I became hazed, but now the fog has cleared indefinetly and I am in a zen state of mind. People's dramas agitate me, I turn around and avoid such wastes of energy...
...as for my own deep thoughts I find that I am in the purest of times, and shall continue to seek out this purity.
- Location:on earth
- Mood:contemplative
- Music:. . . mozart
i breath out,
the dead of winter
emerged from within.
Dark eyes,
entryway to infinity-
no thought
entering. . .
no contempation
as to the outcome.
i was a whirlpool,
emotions, entangling
twisting, choking
& restricting
the ultimate reality.
- Location:pppoooorrrrrt huuuuennnnemmmeee
- Mood:finalized
- Location:a city by the ocean
- Mood:contemplative
The wind is howling but it is warm and comforting, and it releases me into the new year of 2008. The holidays were fast and blurry, I have been stressing in my life- especially at work, seeing no results to my hard work is frustrating me and making me realize that I can give the world much more than I have been and that I am worth a-lot. I don't understand how these companies can exist that squeeze the life out of people and use them for everything, all to their benefit. I take comfort in knowing that I at the very least help people as much as I can when they come into the bank, I try to look past the fact that I am miserable in my position. All of this made me decide to volunteer my time at the hospital, on my days off I am going to go for at least four hours each day that I am not at my regular job. I am going to work my way through that and hopefully they can give me a job soon after the 3-4 months of service are over, which I will gladly do. I plan on studying to become a medical assistant or maybe even a nurse, who knows. . . but I want to be there, helping. There is so much healing that has been going on the last couple months of 2007, healing and hard lessons. I have come to understand that although I am comfortable being alone that there are people out there that I feel very close to, people that have helped me and give their time and affection to me when I needed to talk or to just hang out and escape - - -to them I am grateful and they are in my mind, always. . .
With my actual love life I have come to realize that a person cannot change unless they want to, something I always knew but wanted to ignore for some reason or another. I am not on a quest to make him understand anything, I am letting it go now and it is up to him to understand and work on parts of himself I believe could improve, things that aren't aimed at him necessarily changing his whole persona. I have asked for nothing more than what I give, and I give wholeheartly all of my love and affection. There are moments when I need his support as my partner and hope that there is an understanding of that need, it is simple things that I desire. The lines of communication need to be more clear as well, there are many misunderstandings that could have been avoided due to non-communication or the lack of wanting to speak. We grow with each other and he outcome shall be seen . . .
I believe that my love life has also helped me recognize parts of myself that I adore as well as those that I am not so proud of. I have learned through this relationship that I have to come to terms with the fact that my father has wounded me more than I could have ever imagined and that the life I led up to when I was 23 years old was a difficult one, and even after he had a way of cutting into me of hurting the very daughter that he was supposed to be nurturing. He is an alcoholic and cannot stop, yet I hold nothing against my father, but I do not respect him for what he has done to my family and I. It is a very basic relationship that we hold, nothing heartwarming- - - although when he realizes that he has once again, "fucked up" he comes to me in hopes of reconciliation. I say nothing to him anymore, I have not even told him that I have forgiven him and that I am finally, truly moving on with my life in terms of letting all of this harbored pain and anguish. A girl always wants her father, they need his support and strength and I have recieved nothing but turmoil and sadness from him, this is difficult for me because I see so many wonderful fathers with their daughters and I wish in my heart that my father could have been or could be like them, but he is not. In lew of all of this I have decided that the only way that I will let go of the past is by writing about it so I am going to do what I have done all of my life to vent, write. I am going to write everything that happened to me in my life from birth until the present moment. it will be a book of my life and I am going to be truthful and leave nothing out and perhaps one day somebody can read it and it can help them in their life, and someone out there will not feel as alone and lost as I have felt for most of my life.
I am also going to be saving up my money because I have a bad tendancy to think that I can spend what I don't have, and when I do have the money I will treat myself. I will continue reading this year, because the last couple of years I let go of that part of myself and I have so missed reading up on new things and wonderful books. I will take myself out more often, like I did way back when. . .taking myself out to the movies, or to eat. I can't just lay there anymore, I won't let myself be at a standstill. . . I have to put my thoughts into action.
There are many things that I have to take care of, my health, my mind & my situation with my job among other things that people close to me know I have to accomplish. I am not ashamed of not having done things that others have already done due to the fact that I have had a strange life. I have lived and I have seen and that is all that really matters, nothing is supposed to be in any certain order and life isn't a race. . .and I will do what I do when I do it. Some people might look at it as laziness or not understand why I am in certain position but if they knew how much I've had to overcome mentally, I am sure they would understand but its honestly of no importance to them, not their buisness.
I have come to terms that I miss my best friend terribly, we did everything together but now it seems that time and distance has lost our bond, yet I still think of her as fondly as I did and hold on to all the beautiful things that we did together. She was there for me through everything and she taught me many lessons and gave me advice when I needed it. It saddens me to think that we might not ever see each other or that by the time we do we will be so different there will be nothing, but I can't think that way because I believe in my heart that we will always mean a-lot to each other. I suppose only time will tell. . .
As for me I am going to realax today and take in my thoughts of what I want to accomplish this new year, what I want to make real in my life, I am once again getting in touch with my true self, the self that has no boundaries or restrictions or lables. I am a beautiful free creature, I am not the hurt or fear that my life tries to cut me with. . .
I hope that all of your wishes for 2008 come true.
- Location:somewhere in california
- Mood:free
. . .come back.
- Mood:full
i no longer struggle for another half to fulfill me, the disapointments are silent now. there has always been so much that i overlooked, i am not perfection but my dream is one that noone has seemed to share with me. . .
i dream alone now, he has always fought the big fight. i have long been lost in all of the goals that wraphim up . . . this is my observation. . .
but. . . .
"The truth is relative in this world; it's changing all the time because we live in a world of illusions. What is true right now is not true later. Then it could be true again. The truth in "hell" could also be just another concept, another lie that can be used against you. Our own denial system is so powerful and strong that it becomes very complicated. There are truths covering lies, and lies covering truth. Like peeling an onion, you open your eyes to find out that everyone around you, including yoursel is lying all the time."
so really I don't know for sure, I just take in how I am treated, spoken to. . .
what else is there to do? perception is a difficult thing, a complication really . . .
I made the decision to dye my hair back to a darker color last night, I am not feeling as light and airy as I was a couple months ago.
Today. . .
I will love myself like never before.
- Mood:odd
. . .what I am tired of is the fighting and yelling, with my lover. The complications of what I've wanted and what he can give to me emotionally have taken their toll on my spirit. There is always talk of letting the other go, but we are still dancing the same dance and my feet are blistering. I want to be hopeful, I see the incredible moments we can have together-it makes me recall why it was that I decided to give this person a chance to come into my life and into my heart. I am not getting any younger in terms of years, I want stability. I know what I have to do, I am done with everything else that I thought would help me. I more than anyone should know how to help myself.
There are times when I just want him to forget the logic that rules over his brain and just grab me. Literally with his hands and just give me a big hug. I don't want him to call out to me to go to him, I want him to just . . . just fucking grab me. I am overdue on so many things. . .
This next week will go by very fast. . .
and then the next week after that will be my vacation. I am hoping that it will bring relaxation and that all will go well between us and that the tension or disagreements will cease to exist and start to dissapate.
There are so many unfinished books, so many things I have to do. . .
I don't want to lay here feeling heartbroken/lost any longer. I've been saying this all along but I will say it again, "a person can only take so much." I have have enough. . .
I'm the first person to blame for my misery and I don't want to be miserable anymore.
I am taking a long walk to the coffee house right now . . .
then I am going to sit there and read and think. . .
- Location:a brighter room
- Mood:sick
this is the energy inside of me, this is the truth that resides in me, and this is the raw emotion that I carry. I am universal nature, a creature. . . I thrive in life.
- Location:a small room somwhere...
- Mood:cold
- Music:the who...
And although I never believed that quote, I came to encounter that it could be an inevitable truth.
It is amazing what events can occur in 48 hours, and it was just last week but it was so much that happened that I don't even feel like going into a long entry and a detail account on what happened. All I can say was that I felt, betrayed and alone. I felt hurt and confused as to why after 3 years it always seems that it comes down to him taking care of himself, and only himself. It's human instinct to take care of oneself, but it is also a fact that once your in a relationship your should never leave the person that your with no matter how ridiculous or bad the situation is getting. You just don't, because you never know what could end up happening, and in our case it could have ended up badly. Thankfully it didn't end up badly but then something else hapepned once we got back home, and well. . . that is also so much more personal and complicated. It seems that too much has been happening, and as I told someone that knows me very well over the phone a few days ago, "I just want something to cut me a break. . . soon". So because of this "mistake" I have been in pain for the whole week, physical pain and some mental pain included in the mix of all of this. . .
. . . lots of work, home, sleep, work, sleep and then some reading to try to get my mind off of the pain. I have been worknig on music again. I got an application to a place that I might be interested in working at, but I don't know how that will turn out. It's been getting colder and colder but I don't mind, the weather is always soothing, others despise it but I adore this time of the year. I will be happy until summer comes. I love the fact that the night comes sooner and that I can step outside into the darkness so pure and lovely, I can hide and escape and be left alone to my thoughts. I have to work with the public on a daily bais and I just don't need that pressure of having to see people when I don't have to. . .
I don't know what's going to happen...
I just know that I am worn out and I am still not going insane, I am still just perfectly ok. . .
something is strange about all of this, or I have just been growing much more stronger than ever.
Either way I need a break, I am planning a vacation for December, and if I am still working at the same place after the New Years is over I plan on have some time off to try to make that trip to New York. I have to start doing what I say I'm going to do, some things have to change but I cannot pressure myself too much. I have to keep my cool. . .
there is just so much I have to evaluate.
All of the people I am closest to are far away, this makes it difficult for me to get my frustrations out. . . talk about things, but I suppose its making my skin thicker and my mind like metal. I'm more of the warrior.
Slowly I evolve, I am enjoying myself even when I make mistakes or feel weak because I know I am trying my best and that is all that I can do at this point.
There are so many things I miss though, like sitting on the fire escape sipping Merlot and talking about dreams and eating cheese and crackers. I miss going to Hollywood blvd at midnight to buy cig's and incense, I miss calling F. at 1 a.m. because I missed him so he could come just to spend the night and having him there in 25 minutes. I miss dancing. . .like a gypsie, in a dark corner all by myself. . . with strangers that I didn't know.
I miss some things and others I don't, but the things I do miss meant alot to me.
- Mood:melancholy
the leaves are falling all around me, the winds luke-warm on my face remind me of my childhood and embrace me lightly comforting me in these days of loneliness. i have always walked alone, its nothing new and i have always written these words for years in my paper journals and in this journal, or i have kept them buried deep inside of me thinking that they were silly to share with anyone else-(not that there are many to share it with). in all reality being alone has been a normal part of my life, since i was a young child i had no friends until i was in high school and even then there were only a select few. . . events in my life led me to be very un-trustworthy of human beings. regardless of all the negativity in my life i find myself at 27 with the greatest desire to help humanity, to outstretch my hands to those in desperate need. i want to go back to school . . . and really finish college once and for all, but for all that it seems like a great task to overcome at my age, like I am starting all over again. i don't want to be negative, but i've been trying for many things that i want lately and i have been failing in many of them. . .makeup artistry is harder to get into then I imagined and even though I have the talent its not going to be easy to break into the buisness. it is a disapointment...
once again i hold my breath and attempt to be patient.
and there are more things that are piling up on my plate that i don't even want to write about because they are just so aggravating to me, and i don't wish to speak about things that sadden me. . .
like my father's behavior or the fact that my family doesn't have that much money. the frustrations that my job brings to me, or the fact that i would need to keep this job until i were to find another that paid the same or more, and that isn't proving to be an easy task. nothing is seems is easy for me lately. i need a break. i can't run away like i used to, and i don't have my best friend to bitch and complain to anymore, its amazing what you don't realize you have until you loose it. since i was 14 years old i had somone there for me, to help me and i am sure i helped her as well and then one day it just, ended. not because we wanted it to but because it had to, life made it happen. what i wouldn't wish for a month of what i used to have with this person, and i bet you we would both feel 10x better. this month is especially nostalgic for me, this month makes me especially sad because we would have been extra silly and we both loved october with all of our hearts. i guess in the depth of me there are so many things that are special to me, things that do not seem to matter to my significant other, things that matter so very much to me that don't matter much to him at all- and that is starting to bring a bit of sadness into my heart because if I cannot share these things with my lover than with whom? i am a romantic, silly being. a woman that loves to be spontaneous and wild. there are moments when i miss that partner in crime action, were someone will just BE and DO something with me. at least in the past i had my best friend, but now its nobody. is this all there is? i tried to express my frustrations to my lover the other night over the telephone but he doesn't seem to comprehend what i am trying to tell him, its just that i feel as though my life has no meaning-and its not that it HAS to HAVE meaning, but I WANT it to...and right now it just doesn't...
it could be all of the problems that have piled up on top of each other, it could be many factors. am i grateful? yes, many humans have it worse. i am grateful always for what i have been given but that dosen't mean i am not aware of the difficulties. and the medication that i was prescribed doesn't seem to be working as well anymore, or maybe i am becoming immune to it which isn't good...its been four months. This makes me very sad because i wanted it to work for a good while and now i might have to go back to my doctor and let him know that he might have to up my dosage level. pills, i do not want to be on them for that long-or for the rest of my life. why must the levels in my brain be unbalanced? i remember the day that i was sitting across from him and he told me that i had, "borderline personality disorder", and really who knows if that is even the beginning of the whole picture. i don't want to be sick "upstairs". or what if he diagnosed me incorrectly? i fear so many things could have been miscalculated. one could never know...and another thing that concerns me is the visits to my psychologist. they seem like repeat conversations and almost downright boring and ridiculous at times, in the beginning they were theraputic but lately the last few times they have been frustrating me and making me downright aggravated. Through all of this i remain calm and composed. . . and i continue going to work but i feel that i am getting worn out.
Somehow I felt the need to set my physical persona free and I decided to get rid of the "black" and I went and got my hair lifted and am now a blond, something I've never ever been or though I'd ever be, but here I am with golden white hair and I somehow feel lighter and sexy and natural. I don't understand the need to have done such a thing but I needed to do it, some people don't comprehend it, they are used to the dark Miz. but others see why I did it and see that it suits the woman I have been becoming and really in the end I am probably going to dye it back dark one day anyway...
but for now its the color of the sun's rays.
I've also been purchasing alot of knited fabrics and cotton's, boots and leathers. I'm so tribal in my heart, dark tribal, gypsie, goth woman. I embrace the natural side and wish I could live in a dark forest somewhere, making hot herbal teas a pack of wolf dogs guarding my territory. I've been listening to mozart and buying homeless ladies hot coffee and getting rings back as presents, I've been finding dollar bills on the streets and keeping them in my purse and then giving them back to the man playing music in the parking structure in ventura, I've been getting drinks with Thing & Peter & my lover at Sans Souci and then bar hopping to the Good Bar(which used to be Kelly's Coffee) to listen to Led Zeppaigan the Led Zeppelin cover band. I've been going to Hollywood with Diva and dancing up a storm at Hot Dog for 2 Dollar Drink specials and then walking down were I used to live to go to the old bar that I used to drink at and then back to do shennanigans. . .& then back to Hollywood again the next day to shop and stop by to see a friends art show. I've been busy and I've been suffering and I've been alive. I've been listening to Mozart, Zeppelin & Cream. I've been living like a Hell's Angel, drinking with an old man at the Top Deck bar up the street from my house. I've been crying and feeling everything and nothing all at once.
Sometimes I need a break and I want to sleep for a good while,
more than a couple of hours, like a few days. . .
i txt msg'd veronica the other day, i think i lost my mind again and i told her . . .
"I want to take a trip somewhere. "
I'm thinking New York.
- Mood:indescribable
- Music:cream "white room"
today i went and got some more ink done, i am addicted, to the beauty of the ink etched unto my skin and the signifigance of each peace as each artwork manifests. somebody touched me in an innapropriate manner today, they crossed the line as I tried to enjoy my indian food at TAJ in downtown Ventura, honestly tho, "who the fuck, do you think you are?" it made me feel disgusting. I wanted to vomit my curry back into my plate. some people have no manners, they don't know boundaries. me and jeff got buzzed at the SEWER, and then we went across the street to the sports bar, and then back to wild planet, and then I don't know what else was going on, oh yeah, we loaded up Peters RV for Burning Man. I need to go next year, no more excuses!!! I felt free today, it was my day today...
I haven't talked to certain people in quite awhile lately, its been strange but I suppose its for the best. in a way I feel that its just meant to be, what shall be shall be..no use in pretending is what I say.
I miss my ari-cake-cakey cake. I am silly when it comes to matters of the heart and those that I've let in and are close to me. I don't let too many people in very much so I appreciate those real friendships and they are sacred to me. I can't wait until I get to spend time with her once again, maybe another wine and cheese night like the good old days. One can only hope...
I believe I am done with my song that I've been working on for the last few months...
wow, I have been so distracted that I didn't have time but I am pretty sure its finished.
its going to be 3 years!!!...It's beautiful....
can't wait.......you know...you , you, you, you....
yepppppp.
ok, I'm ranting now.
gotta go, being a weirdo.
- Location:a desk made of woooood or umm plywood
- Mood:strange creature
My heart beats in my chest like that of native drums and my mind is chanting over and over different thoughts that are rising from my consciousness. A dry mouth and a pale complexion is beginning to take over, its the medication I think, and the lack of nourishment to my body, I don't want to eat, have no desire. I still go to my yoga classes but not as often due to my schedule at work, the work that I do not like to go to but that I HAVE to go to in order to live, pay bills, etc. I should be getting my life situation under wraps soon and leave them as soon as I possibly can. There are days were I am very drowsy and it seems that I am in a dream-like state and I am just numb to the outside world just "dealing", is this what being "normal" feels like? I don't comprehend, no...I do not know. I do know that I feel more at ease and do not have a million thoughts racing through my head that keep me up at all hours of the night like a madwoman. I am still me, thoughtful Miz., always on the go, wild and carefree, crazy and a hermit. I am just beginning to touch base with a much more healthier version of myself. This is all new to me, this side of my own persona....strange and almost like an illusion within my own self, but it is the Miz. with no baggage....my heart is thumping slower...
I wish I had not began this entry before I took my meds, this is the third week and the day were I have to up my dosage to one more pill. It seems that it makes me more drowsy when I have to add one more pill to the mix. It's supposed to balance me and make me sleepy, oh...and I'm getting there very quickly...
but I am a bit sad right now, my heart aches over the way he spoke to me earlier. There are moments when I feel taken advantage of, like he takes me for granted. Mel will always be there....
And he forgets that communication is the key and I didn't know he had a headache and I supposedly "pushed his buttons". Now honestly, what the fuck is that supposed to mean? I don't know what I did. One minute I'm speaking to him like a normal healthy happy giddy fucking woman, the next he snaps at me, and I am taken a-back not knowing what the fuck it is I did to make him angry. I ask, he says the above, "you pushed my buttons". I feel stung, hurt. "what the do you mean I pushed your buttons?" and he can't even tell me how it is I did it. Now that does't make any sense! And then when I begin to tell him that hurt me, that I am hurt he says he has " no time for this right now, he has to "clean his room". I feel thrown off to the side. I do not feel like I am important. He makes me feel like apologizing is his last resort so I won't be "mad at him". I am hurt right now, I think that's why I wanted to write but...I believe I am so hurt that nothing is coming out right, plus the pills are taking over and so I'm drowsy and hurt all at the same time.
Only those closest to me can do this to me...
and there aren't many that are, this is the reason as to why I'm upset.
I think I need sleep, lots of sleep.
He tried to call me but I just heard the phone, ring and ring...I watched it....
I watched it right and could not get myself to pick it up. He then proceeded to msg me, "I called you..."
I said, "I hope you feel better and your headache goes away..."
"good luck cleaning your room."
He said that he loved me so very much and that he was sorry.
I said I had nothing to say and that I had to go. That was the truth.
Sometimes,
there is nothing left.
- Location:a dark dark room
- Mood:medicated
- Location:theee compuuuter room
- Mood:sleepy & medicated
- Music:Unkle "War Stories"
...and it was a silent singular moment,
nothing captured or given
just the tranquility of
absolution.
just the whisper of the wind.
glancing at me with those eyes,
it seems you don't know what to do with me
really, its so simple.
vacant glances lead to a broken heart.
vulnerability
is suffocating,
temptation is overwhelming
the cycle is non-ending.
i wish for things i shouldn't,
wish for.
- Mood:thirsty
calm.
- Mood:calm
These are questions and concerns that run through my mind leaving me almost breathless, but I am not crying like I used to-you being the only one that could make me tear up in seconds. I'm not going to hyperventalate with anxiety and I'm most certainly not going to panic.
I had a lovely but tiring day, got up and finally went through with a promise that I had made to myself which was that I was going to start doing the things that I had been wanting to do for a very long time. I got up early this morning even though I was incredibly fatigued, got dressed and drove to the gym to take the morning Yoga class. It was everything that I had expected and MORE, it made all of my muscles pulsate and I broke out in a sweat, it made me feel at peace with myself. I can't wait for thursday which is the next class day, and then once again friday morning. I was also looking at the college fall semester and decided that I want to take the next english class that I had missed years before but its an online course, there are also two martial arts classes-one is ju-jitsu and the other's name I can't recall at the moment. I also walked by YOGA JONES this late afternoon with my makeup classmate and took a leaflet so I could later join their studio. They not only give yoga lessons but tai chi and a few other classes such as Kundalini which I've always been interested in since my last semester at college in which I was studying to be a philosophy major. Oh! There is also a philosophy course being offered that had not been offered in the years prior that I feel I might want to take on...
I want to do so much but I also don't want to be out of money because I'm tired of living paycheck to paycheck. Part time work isn't all that its cut out to be when you have bills to pay and so forth, but I still want to keep to my word and do a few of the things that interest me and actually follow through.
I have my appointment with my psychologist and then I'm also going to the psychiatrist to FINALLY after all these years be put on some form of medication that might help with my fits of depression. I feel that I'm honestly progressing, but it still takes time...
one step and then another step. I have a possible playdate with my friend H. to go to Le Disko Sunday night in Hollywood, and I do not have to go back to work until next friday. I want to take advantage of this time and maybe go to the beach with my sister and read a book that I'm slowly taking in when I have free time. There is also that unfinished song that I need to work on, and my project for school which I'm late in turning in, sadly I'm not going to IMAX the makeup convention in Pasadena due to my lack of funds.
Still have a knot in my belly and that doesn't make me happy, but my enthusiasm does...
- Location:a tiny room in a big house somewhere...
- Mood:irritated
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mizery- Visions & Vices
- The Warrior